Even atheists need a God

not for the times when shit really hits the fan but for the common opportunities to use some well known phrases that include His name. You know, like God bless you, God damn you or God knows what else. I could use these sentences as they are, leaving God in place but I’d rather change it with something else or better yet, with someone else. However, there is one exception where you shouldn’t take God out of the equation:

In the phrase God hates us all. Even if It doesn’t hate, even if – Tom Araya damn you – it’s nothing more then a “great fucking title”
Let’s go back to the point though, as I was preparing to make a case for a new god, a metal god as a matter of fact. I know that Ozzy Osbourne is a top notch candidate but that’s rubbish,

he can only aspire for the title of a priest, a prophet, a forerunner. The other serious contestant is Rob Halford but he never could be God,

not because he is a homosexual, 

but because he is gay.

So my vote goes to – and I know I’m not the first – the almighty Ronnie James Dio.

Let’s see the arguments one by one, I had a bunch of arguments but I forgot most of them so I’ll just write down those that come to my mind now.
He studied trumpet as a youngster, certainly to be able to play a last good show when he is going to announce Judgment Day with a horn performance that will leave Archangel Gabriel red with envy.
Speaking of horns, he did gave us the sign :

– in hoc signo vinces – 

a sign to show our togetherness which is also good to protect against or to give an evil eye, a sign –you may agree – that is far better than a fish, cross, swastika or even the Lion of Juddah.
The statement without metal and it’s fans he would be “laying bricks some place, which would give me great joy by the way” hints that he would loved a “normal” occupation too, just as all the other religion founders. Jesus was a carpenter, Mohamed was a merchant and a shepherd, and Buddha was a prince which is the hardest job of them all, just ask William of Wales or better yet, his father Charles. Of course, these guys were just religion founders but we are talking about gods, that’s why Dio only hinted about being a brick layer.
           Take the answer he gave to the mother of all questions: what is METAL? He said, and I quote :” Who the fuck knows?” which is a brilliantly ambiguous answer, excellent for a religion. The more ambiguous a statement is the more it fits a religion. I’ll try and make this clearer. Let’s say that you state that an imaginary beardy old man created the world in six days, made a man out of clay and a woman out of fun on Saturday and then took the rest of the weekend off. He even had the fucking nerve to call all this: very good. Now you might get away with it in the antiquity and the medieval times but what do you do when a real beardy old man comes and says that life evolved and that humans are more closely related to apes than clay?

Darwin pointing out humanities closest relatives

It’s hard to argue that by saying Adam you meant red soil and you thought of lava and the early periods of Earth. Furthermore, you might try and claim that by saying clay you thought about the colour brown of the orangutans. Even gorillas have brown feet when they step in shit and we all know that nowadays the gorillas, especially the misty mountain ones are in deep shit. The worst defense of course would be that you knew the truth all along just didn’t want to freak out the simple minds of simple people so you lure them with a fairy tale. That’s why you need ambiguous statements, doctrines and so on. With who the fuck knows it could be everything, it could be nothing. Or in the end we just might end up waiting for the arrival of Mr.Who, the fuck, cause he knows.

Of course, gods are immortal. Not immortal in a way that every notable rock –or, for the record, any – musician is, meaning that they songs will be played even if they are long gone and they records will continue to be sold making their widows and children hungry for more. I mean in a godlike way, meaning that they don’t die. And one might argue that Dio is dead, so he lost his chance to be a God but let’s investigate a bit. They say, he died of a stomach cancer but everyone knows that in that small body of his there is nothing but lungs, else it would be impossible for a man of his stature to have such a powerful voice, so it’s clear that he didn’t have a stomach so he couldn’t develop a stomach cancer. And where do they say this happened? In Houston. That’s “Houston, we have a problem” Houston, where NASA has it’s Lyndon B. Johnson space center. I guess it’s clear to all of you now, that he didn’t die he just flew away on a NASA shuttle and took his righteous position on his metal throne to judge the living and the dead.

           I left the biggest giveaway at the end. Let’s take a look at his name shall we. Ronald James Padavano, that’s his real name, which he changed to Ronnie James Dio. The official version is that he took his surname from Italian mobster – or mobstar? – Johnny Dio, but that is, of course, a sharade. Dio was an Italian and what does Dio means in Italian? That’s right, it means God. What’s that if not an open admittance? He openly admitted his true nature, but never wanted to be like the old gods, hence his other two names: Ronnie James. Ronnie, not Ron. What other God had a nickname, a pet name, a diminutive nickname none of the less?   Odinish, Zeusaki, Krishnau, Devlainho? No one of the old gods let anyone speak in this way about them, of course, the old gods are all dead now, none of them survived the 19^th and 20^th century enlightenment but they did managed - as one last desperate showoff - to slay poor Nietzsche for his impertinence.

That’s being said, let it be known, henceforth God will be replaced by Dio in this blogs posts.¹

hah from Diabolus Dei on Vimeo.

¹ except for the above mentioned God hates us all phrase or any other place where I forget to change it. Don’t you just love footnotes?